'Fear in the Night'

It's been several years since I've updated 'Random Movie Project.' You see, this blog pretty much relies on my access to the film library located at Audio/Video Plus, a phenomenal video store located in Houston, Texas. And it's been a few years since I've lived in Houston, Texas. What I do is pick a random movie from the in store reference book by using either www.random.org or a random number generator application on my phone. I first pick a number between 1 and 655 (page number) and then another number between 1 and 58 (movies per page). It's a little like what some people use to pick lottery numbers. And there you have it. I give that catalog number to the clerk wherewith they recede back into the VHS stacks and return with that movie. And if the title I pick isn't an actual film, I pick new numbers. For example, most recently my random numbers turned up an opera concert film... and then a Jazzercize tape. Not very exciting stuff to write about.

It was only after those two misfires did I find:

Fear in the Night (1972)

Director: Jimmy Sangster

Writers: Jimmy Sangster and Michael Syson

Stars: Judy Gleeson, Ralph Bates, Joan Collins and Peter Cushing

AKA:

Honeymoon of Fear

Dynasty of Fear

Summary:

This story centers around a young London newlywed, Peggy Heller (Judy Gleeson) who believes she has been attacked by a one-armed intruder. However, she has been convinced by her doctor that she has simply taken a terrible fall and she instead suffers from a bad case of nerves. She agrees to recover by travelling on a honeymoon (of sorts) with her husband, also a doctor, (Ralph Bates) to the countryside at a cottage on the grounds of an old boarding school for boys. This is the location for the rest of the film. It is autumn and gray, dull, lifeless and very spooky. Not ideal for a honeymoon, even by British standards, but a great setting for this psychological thriller/mystery.

As one might guess, she continues suffering attacks by a mysterious one-armed man. And she repeatedly wakes up otherwise unharmed and again and again convinced by her husband her attacks are all in her mind. She decides one afternoon to have a stroll around the empty schoolhouse where she is cornered by the looming and tunefully named Headmaster Michael Carmichael (Peter Cushing). This is where we, the audience, not Peggy, catches a glimpse that he has a prosthetic arm, leading us to believe that he's the mysterious attacker. Later, we meet the Headmaster's wife, the very snooty Molly Carmichael (yeah, I know, "Mike and Molly") played by Joan Collins.

Here's where the plot becomes pretty thick. There are several red herrings (or are they?) which leads us to suspect the creepy headmaster and possibly his nasty wife are behind the repeated attacks. But why doesn't Peggy ever really get hurt? And why do we never see the headmaster's face when he is attempting to strangle Ms. Heller? And why, if it's their honeymoon, does the husband have to go to work every day? Eventually, Dr. Heller admits to his wife that the headmaster is really just a delusional old coot who actually lost his school a decade prior when a fire killed several of his students. He and Ms. Carmichael have since taken up residence in the building and carries on as if it is still a functioning academy, going so far as to play recordings of ambient school sounds such as old lessons being taught in the classrooms, a boys choir in the music hall and loud students having lunch in the food hall. Peggy's husband has even told her that the snobby Mrs. Carmichael has hired him as her husband's personal caretaker, and that Peggy's arrival has the headmaster envying her for.... well, I won't confuse you with the twist at the end.

Impressions:

Before I even watched this movie, I was amused, as always, at how studios constantly rename and repackage movies to (presumably) sell to new distributers and find new audiences. The tape I rented was called "Honeymoon of Fear." I can tell this was re-titled because the title shows up in neon-blue 80s font when the rest of the opening credits are subtle and white. I guess this sounded more schlocky and thus a better slasher film title, although this is not a slasher film. Then, at some point, it was called "Dynasty of Fear," which makes no sense at all in the context of the plot, but made sense to Hammer Films or whoever owned the movie rights when Joan Collins hit it big in America with the TV drama series "Dynasty." Getting the word "Dynasty" into the title was a chance to cash in on Ms. Collins' success. The DVD release even has Joan Collins' face on the cover when, really, she has something like third billing in the original movie. The same thing happened with another movie I watched for this blog, "The Ballad of Billy Blue." They renamed it "Jailbreakin" and put a mock-up drawing of a muscular Erik Estrada on the cover when he was actually a wimpy fellow inmate who hardly says two lines in the whole movie. False advertising at its finest.

Now as for this movie, I really enjoyed it. Who'd a' thunk it, right? It could never keep pace with modern movies, but it's simple cast did a great job with their roles and the story kept moving fast enough to keep the audience on edge. Peter Cushing, especially, proved once again that few actors can be as menacing and creepy on screen, even with the admittedly cheesy (but fun) material he had to work with. Much like fellow Hammer Films star Christopher Lee and fellow Star Wars alumn, Alec Guinness, it's always great, if not just a little sad, to see actors dive wholeheartedly into rolls that are obviously beneath their talent level.

The story doesn't really break new ground, plot-wise, but it's a lot of fun. It has a lot in common with The Deadly Bees, another British thriller with the heroine having moved to the countryside after suffering a nervous breakdown in London where she must deal with a more harrowing set of circumstances. Only in The Deadly Bees, it's... the deadly bees.

And while it's true nothing really big happens for the entire first hour, the creepiness of the characters and the setting took its time establishing the tone of the story and made the payoff that much more satisfying in the end. Writer/director, Jimmy Sangster also has some actual credentials having worked both in film and in TV writing for The Six Million Dollar Man, McCloud and Wonder Woman.

Next movie:

Page - 399

Line - 28

'The Ballad of Billy Blue'

These cover sleeves for the movie Jailbreakin', and indeed the titles Jailbreakin' and Breakin' Out themselves (for a christian drama originally called The Ballad of Billy Blue) may be the most deceptive attempts to cash in on a famous name in the history of VHS B-movies. Although Erik Estrada famously appeared in another Christian action/Drama called The Cross and the Switchblade, a movie even I remember being shown at least three times in Sunday school, in The Ballad of Billy Blue, he appears in only three scenes, and never once, thankully, without his shirt on. You only get about five minutes of Estrada and about ninety minutes of Jason Ledger (??).


The Ballad of Billy Blue (1972)
AKA
Jailbreakin'
Star-Crossed Roads
The Legend of Billie Blue

Director: Ken Osborne



Summary:

The Ballad of Billy Blue is the uplifting tale of a famous country singer called Billy Blue (Jason Ledger) who, at the end of a long, exhausting tour is approached by his greedy manager to attend some PR party and really blow the lid off his middling career - all while a local gossip columnist played by Marty Allen (of the famous 1960's comedy team of Allen & Rossi) badgers poor Billy to get an up close & personal scoop for all his fans. He expresses his growing dissatisfaction of the whole show business life and, at the behest of both his manager and his gold-digging floozy of a wife, opts out and spends the next 30 minutes of the movie drunk and playing college pranks with his bast friend, Al (I think). After breaking into a local farmer's barn to steal a pig, Billy decides he wants to attend the party after all -- and bring his pig with him!

After an embarrassing display of drunkenness and glamorous ladies running away from a squealing pig, Billy gets confronted by his cold-fish wife in a darkened bedroom where an argument ensues, and, when the manager enters the scene to help settle matters, Billy's wife konks him on the head, killing the manager and Billy, left holding the murder weapon takes the rap for his wife who he, inexplicably, seems to love. As witness after witness enters the room including his friend, the gossip writer, the hotel manager, the local butcher and the mayor (just kidding about the mayor), Billy is soon arrested and is shipped off to prison.

While in prison, Billy meets a young, hot-headed lifer called Justin (Erik Estrada). One day, near the end of Billy's seemingly very short his prison sentence, the inmates are visited by a local preacher who brings the Bible to read to the inmates and try to, perhaps, save a few souls in the process. This is where it starts to become apparent that this movie has a decidedly pro-salvation message. Young Justin rejects the offer of religion, repeatedly saying the the only "freedom" he wants it to be freed of the chains on his feet. Later that night, he files the chains off and attempts to escape, where he is promptly shot and killed.

There's your "jailbreakin." All five minutes worth.

At the funeral, the preacher sits down with Billy and offers him salvation, which Billy gladly accepts. After the conclusion of Billy's term, he's picked up by his best friend, Al (I think), and immediately asks about the well-being of his lying, two-timing spouse. Against the wishes of all his loved ones, he goes off to find her and offer her his help and forgiveness at her new residence - a whore-house. After a highly animated "leave me alone - can't you see I ain't no good" speech she accidentally falls over the railing and falls down one story to her....something. All we see is an ambulance take her away.

Billy then wanders the streets when he stumbles up the steps of a church and becomes fixated on a big bright cross as gospel music jangles in the background. He breaks into tears and the credits begin to role over scenes of his new, happy life while one the worst (and best) songs I've ever laid ears on ("The Ballad of Billy Blue", find it if you dare) plays on and on and on and on.

The End.


Impressions:

This was a hard one to get through. The whole movie had that annoying claustrophobic feel of scenes shot in small rooms and not on sound stages; and not in that dynamic Scorsese sort of way, either, but in that I'll set the camera here, and you walk over there two feet and so stuff kind of way. Even the outdoor and concert scenes felt like they were shot in small rooms. None of this was helped out at all by the script, which was lifeless and had too much contemporary slang and and too many era-specific sets and costume styles to keep it from looking sounding extremely dated. I'd be surprised if more than nine people have even watched this movie since around 1980 or so, including myself, so I guess that's okay.

And as for the acting; laugh if you want, but I actually think Erik Estrada did a pretty decent job in this movie as a young hoodlum and total spazoid. His two-and-a-half scenes were dim highlights in a dull, dull movie - if that makes any sense. Marty Allen was a sweaty and oily as ever, too. And as animated as he was in this film, he didn't do very much to bring any zest to his scenes, either.

So there you go - the movie stunk.

But as always, I try to bring something positive away from the experience, and while the movie offered nothing in that regard, I did encounter a nice surprise while actually renting the movie. Behind the counter at Audio Video Plus, I spied an 8½×10 glossy of a certain perm-headed fitness guru. I said to the girl "wow, that's pretty funny that you have a picture of Richard Simmons back there." She explained that as they were cleaning out the stuff from their other store (which closed its doors, recently), they found boxes full of just really weird stuff. While my head practically swims with all the possible random goodness can come from the back storerooms of a vintage VHS video store, but all I could muster was "That's awesome."

She said I could have one if I wanted. I did not reject.

She went back there and asked if I also liked Evel Knievel. Though I wasnted to clarify that I did not acually like Richard Simmons, all I said was "I do." She came back and presented me with these:

'Memorial Valley Massacre'

In the rich world of horror movies, there exists many sub-genres with suspense, slasher, zombie/undead perhaps being the three most popular. I feel, now, that with Memorial Valley Massacre, we can add yet another phylum: Ecological Horror.

Memorial Valley Massacre (1988)
Director: Michael C. Hughes
Written By: Michael C. Hughes and George Frances Skrow




Summary:

Memorial Valley Massacre begins with the opening of a beautiful campground and nature refuge called, yes, Memorial Valley. The land is owned by Allen Sangster (Cameron Mitchell), a greedy investor who, upon learning of mysterious wildlife slayings and carcasses found in the well contaminating the park's water supply while eager campers await at the gate on opening day, cares little for their safety and orders the rangers to open the gate and begin conducting business, anyway. (Jaws, anyone?) It is here we meet his son, and the movie's mamby-pamby hero, David Sangster. While David immediately begins wooing an attractive single camper, we get to meet some of the other vacationers who each find their own way to pollute the campground and endanger its delicate balance of nature. We have sex-hungry bikers and teenagers who discard their beer cans and the fat kid who like to tear up the trails with his three-wheeler.

This is where the campground's resident cave-hermit and, I believe, the movie's true hero comes in. He's a guy who subsists on the fruits mother nature has to offer, wears animal skins but still makes friends with the mice and rats in his underground abode. He was perfectly happy living a life of solitude, fully secluded from modern civilization. Perfectly happy, that is, until modern civilization came knocking on his cave door! (That was my poor excuse for a tagline) This is where the said “massacre” begins. In true caveman fashion, he uses what primitive weapons he has at his disposal to eliminate those who have attempted to destroy his fields and streams and bring unwanted chaos to his peaceful existence. All this makes for some hilarious and rewarding action sequences, especially the demise of the annoying fat three-wheeler-riding mamma's boy. We eventually learn that the hermit is actually the long-lost teenage son of the park's chief superintendent.

Impressions:

The title might have you believe that a madman would be on the loose in this serene setting killing campers and hikers indiscriminately. But you'd only be half right. You see, it is said that every story contains elements of at least one of the following conflicts:

Man vs. Man
Man vs. Himself
Man vs. Society
Man vs. Nature
Man vs. Technology

What can be said, then, when man treads on Mother Earth and comes up against the defender of nature? I guess we could call it “Man vs. Nature Man.” Then again, if you're an ecologist, you might call this a story of Nature Man vs. Society. Whatever you call it, you'd have to admit that Memorial Valley Massacre is one of the most entertaining, if not THE most entertaining eco-themed horror movies featuring a cameo by Cameron Mitchell ever.


**Here's an entertaining tidbit – the character “Deke” was played by an actor named Jimmy Justice who was in just one other movie in his short career where he played a character called “Deacon.” That movie? Beverly Hills Brats.

'Along For The Ride'

Finally, a movie from this decade! But wait, it's a Patrick Swayze movie from this decade. Damn!

Along For The Ride is a title that, to me, suggests some kind of crazy eighteen wheeler hijacking adventure. The kind of movie you fall asleep drunk to after a long night out at Hooter's with your racing buddies. In other words, my hopes for an exciting, fun-filled addition to the Random Movie Project had become somewhat inflated. Well, about halfway into the credits, sometime after I saw the names of Melanie Griffith and Penelope Ann Miller, I realized this wasn't to be. I guess it's just hard to imagine a Patrick Swayze movie where he's not either: A. Invisible; B. Dancing with Jennifer Grey; C. Ripping people's throats out; or D. Saying things like, "I know you want me so bad it's like acid in your mouth man. But not this time, Johnny."

Nope. Not this time, Johnny.






















Along For The Ride (2000)
Written and Directed by John Kaye


Summary:

Along For The Ride is the U.S. video title for a movie that was originally called Forever Lulu. I guess someone said, "Hey, maybe we could sell more copies if we actually made this thing sound like a proper Swayze movie and less like a show on Nickelodeon." Because "Forever Lulu" sounds more like what the movie really is, a loopy comedic love story.

Ben Clifton (Patrick Swayze) is a financially successful, yet personally and artistically unhappy scriptwriter in Hollywood. After a draft of his latest project gets rejected he gets a surprise phone call from his wild, schizophrenic college sweetheart, Lulu McAfee (Melanie Griffith). Back in the day, they were crazy in love. He was going to write the great American novel while she acted like a loony sex-starved banshee. It turns out that they split after she was admitted into a psychiatric home seventeen years earlier, and that's where she's been ever since. Though still somewhat ill, she left the home so she could find Ben, who is now unhappily married to his psychologist wife, Claire (Penelope Ann Miller). After finding Ben, she begs him to go on this road trip across the desert in his black 2000 Mustang (not the classic Pontiac or whatever that is on the poster. I don't know what the deal is with that). He agrees, but only so he can take her back to her doctors. Along the way, however, she drops a bombshell on ol' Ben. Right before they split, she had gotten pregnant and had to give the baby up for adoption and she thinks they ought to give the kid a visit. The boy, Martin, now aged seventeen years and played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt (who also played "Tommy" on 3rd Rock From the Sun and that kid in Angels In The Outfield, and who I always confuse for that other kid who played "Russ" in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and Darlene's boyfriend on Roseanne; which is all the more confusing to me since Joseph Gordon-Levitt was ALSO on several episodes of Roseanne) now lives with his adoptive parents in Madison, Wisconsin.

Well after about an hour of scenes of Ben talking on his cell phone to his angry wife (which seemed to eat up about 80% of the film stock) and Lulu making wild passes at a very stoic, unresponsive Ben in motel rooms and swimming pools, they finally get to their hotel in Madison. By this time we also now know that Ben and his wife had also had a child who died from Leukemia. Anyway, after checking in to the hotel, Ben encounters his wife who had flown out there to intercept them. It all culminates into a tense moment to say the least, especially with crazy-ass Lulu hanging on his arm wanting to know who the angry chick is. After everything settles down, they all agree to disagree long enough to go visit the biological son. However, once they arrive, the kid pretty much rejects his parents and calls Lulu "crazy." She leaves the dinner table and runs out of the house. Luckily, Ben knows right where to find her. You see, on the way to the kid's house, they passed a movie theater showing the classic film, The Hustler, a movie both Lulu and Ben know by heart since it was their favorite way back when. We see them both watching the movie on TV earlier in the story quoting all the lines; Ben at his home, and Lulu still in her psych home. When they get there, Martin, who already apologized to Ben, and wants to make things right with his biological mom, asks if he can go in there to talk to her alone. They both apologize to eachother and everyone is happy.

Flash forward nine months later, and Lulu is happily moving into her own house and gets a package in the mail. It's a new novel written by Ben Clifton based on their adventure. She opens it to find her name in the dedication.

Impressions:

You know what, I liked this movie. Sure it's really cheesy and kept losing focus, especially at the end when it goes from being a tale of resisting temptation to rekindle a wild, passionate love affair with an old flame to being about a kid meeting his biological parents. But it was really well acted and the pacing was just punchy enough to keep your interest. I have to ask, though; what's the deal with Patrick Swayze's face? Have you seen him in the last ten years? If not, don't feel bad. There's a perfectly good explanation if you haven't. I'm just saying that it looks really weird now. Well, by "now" I mean in 2000. He has this permanent sourpuss expression that you just want to slap off of him, but won't for fear of having your, well... throat ripped out. If you've seen Roadhouse, you know what I mean. He knows Tai Chi. On the other hand, we have Melanie Griffith who's still perfectly suited for the gaze of human eyes and Penelope Ann Miller who also is not hideous.

By the way, if you Googled the title of this movie and came across my review while amazon.com is open on another browser window, with the "buy it now" button beckoning you to click, and you're curious as to why I mainly focus on how ugly or attractive the actors are, I'm sorry.

Next week's movie: Page 369, Line 37.

'Nexus 2.431'

Nexus 2.431. The Spanish Star Wars. But in English. What's funny is that this movie was listed right above Niagara, the classic Marilyn Monroe film. Instead, I get stuck with a movie starring Oliver Tobias. I guess in some dark, despair-ridden regions of Europe, that name means something. Not to me. What is this movie doing there? I always get the feeling I rent these tapes and bring them out from their states of VHS hibernation, and for doing so, they punish me.
















Nexus 2.431
Dir: José María Forqué
Screenplay: Juan Piquer Simón, José María Forqué and Álvaro Forqué


Summary:

First, let me point out how difficult it is to write a summary when you can't understand what the hell is going on in the first place. The premise laid out in the film's intro is simple. Screwy, but simple:

In the Earth's future, the world had become very, very polluted. So polluted, in fact, that the Earth couldn't take it anymore and, one day, exploded! Right before the explosion, a select few sensed this would happen and were able to evacuate to a distant, dersert planet who offered solace in their barren equatorial regions.

After that, I went into a deep B-movie trance and lost my bearings completely. I know there was an Earthling king, of sorts, who had a beautiful (or what needs to pass for "beautiful" for the story's sake), mysterious teenage daughter. Some fat foreign dignitary wanted to take her as his wife in return for some much needed supplies or something like that. The King says she's far too young to marry, the fat dignitary says the King's full of shit, everyone gets angry, daughter eventually winds up captive on a spaceship, so on and so forth. Then there's this really effeminate guy (unfortunately, our hero) who's literally never seen a girl before, ever, and sits around his cave all day worshipping these three crystal knives. The mysterious daughter appears to him as if in a dream, gives him a kiss and his first ever glimpse of a girl. Having finally seen a girl, he decides he likes girls very much, grabs his three knives, ventures out of his cave and, enlisting the help of another really bad European actor, saves her. Just don't ask me how.

Impressions:

As I mentioned, this is the "Spanish Star Wars," but in fairness to Spain, this is actually a Czech-Spanish co-production. I hate to reel the Czech Republic into this mess, but let's face it - it's true. It used actors and crew from both of those countries, and some actors from the UK, as well. That's a pretty common practice in Europe; using funds and resources from studios and, probably, federal grant money from two or more nations to get a movie produced. That way, they can finally afford to use stock footage of planet Earth and then suddeny cut to a close-up of a firecracker exploding against a black background. I think the makers of this film actually blew their entire budget on the matte painting pictured below. I understand that the guy who did it is, in fact, talented.

The main thing I liked about Nexus 2.431 was the way it made up for its lack of actual quality with really, really ugly costumes. No, just kidding, it made up for it with an abundance of shots of greasy men staring at things. No, no - okay, got you again. Really, for serious this time, it made up for it with ambition. Raw, oily, nicotine-stained European ambition. I always try to find at least one thing about these movies I like, and I guess that'll have to do for now. It was ambitious.

I mean, somebody obviously put their heart and soul into painting the cardboard spaceships (not pictured).

Next week's movie: Page 16, line 3.

'Palm Springs Weekend'

This is a definite change of pace from last week's creepy women-in-prison flick. It also serves to further confound those wily clerks at the video store.

"Hey, you know that guy I was talking about? The one who rented that 'Women's Penitentiary' movie? Yeah, well he's here again. I'll bet you he rents a gay porn or something. What a weirdo... wait, wait here he comes!"



Palm Springs Weekend (1963)
Director: Norman Taurog
Screenplay: Earl Hamner Jr.


The movie's in Technicolor, but this is one of the only pictures I could find.


Summary:

It's Easter weekend in Palm Springs, CA, and that means the resorts will be full of college kids from Los Angeles. This also includes a bus full of college basketball players, a Hollywood stuntman from Texas, a daddy's-little-rich-girl from Beverly Hills, and a tomboy-ish, sexually frustrated girl from wherever who just wants a man - all of whom seem to be vying for the attention of a member of the opposite sex with whom to enjoy a fleeting, Palm Springs Weekend love affair.

But can the local sheriff keep his blood pressure in check long enough to keep his own daughter out of trouble? Boy-trouble, that is...


Impressions:

What's the deal with teenagers and college-age kids in movies from the fifties and sixties? It's something that has been noted by many and discussed at length by the cast of "Mystery Science Theater 3000." That is, they all seem to be in their thirties. Often, they're older that that. Sometimes, they look like they're middle-aged. Let's take one of the members of the college basketball squad, and the comic relief in this movie, Jerry Van Dyke, brother of the brilliant Dick Van Dyke and coach Hayden Fox's hilarious assistant coach, Luther Horatio Van Dam on ABC's "Coach." According to IMDb.com, he was born in 1931 which would have made him thirty-two at the time of this film's release. Robert Conrad was in this movie, too, when was only a couple years away from his role as James West in the TV series "Wild, Wild West." Oh, well. I'm sure it's all about Hollywood politics. At least it gave me a chance to see the "young" Jerry Van Dyke in an early role. He was pretty funny. He even played a banjo! He tries to woo a young girl with his banjo-playing skills but is ultimately foiled by the hunky Texan stuntman Doug 'Stretch' Fortune (played by Ty Hardin) and his big ol' acoustic guitar. Classic.

As for the rest of this movie, it's a pretty mindless and silly comedy. It's pretty typical of the early-sixties teen comedy genre, before movies (and audiences) became as cynical and pretentious as they are today. It had a certain Beach Blanket Bingo vibe which is mildly entertaining. Except it was set in the desert, so there was no beach... or blankets, for that matter. Just swimming pools and patio furniture. What more do you need?

I actually stopped paying close attention about three quarters of the way through, so barring some scene I may have missed featuring voyeurism hi-jinks with full-frontal nudity or Jerry Van Dyke getting caught masturbating, I pretty much caught the gist of the story. It came to a fitting end with relationships forged, hearts broken, life experience gained and plenty of pool water splashed as Van Dyke gets pushed in at least four times.

D' oh!

Next week's movie: Page 404, Line 34

'Women's Penitentiary XII'

This was the first time (surely not the last) where I was a little hesitant to rent the title which the Gods of randomization have bestowed upon me. The page I was to go to open was near the end of the catalog, so I knew it would be somewhere in the W-Z range. My heart sank as I saw that every title on my designated page began with the word "women." It sank further when my designated line number held the title "Women's Penitentiary XII."



99 Women (1969)
Dir: Jess Franco
Story: Jess Franco, Milo G. Cuccia and Carlo Fadda





Summary:

Three women on a rowboat arrive to Castillo de los Muerte (Castle of Death) on a prisoner's island led by the evil, emperor-like Governor Santos (Herbert Lom) and an even eviler butch warden, Thelma Diaz (Mercedes McCambridge). These women have led lives of sin, prostitution, drug addiction, murder and general waywardness. One of them is innocent, but cannot escape the trials of prison life. After Leonie Caroll (Maria Schell), a sympathetic government official, comes to inspect the prison, she intervenes by making life easier on the inmates, much to the behest of the disciplinarian, Diaz. With this newfound leniency, three women attempt to escape with the help of a lover/inmate from the men's ward, but things are never as easy as they seem.

99 Women, it seems, has undergone many, many editions - including the tape I rented which was labeled "Women's Penitentiary XII." Apparently, "Women's Penitentiary" was a franchise which had success on VHS. I guess some company bought the distribution rights to this movie and included it in their women-in-prison "collection." 99 Women was never a sequel in any series of chick prison movies. Other editions include an X-rated French version which had hardcore lesbo-erotic shots inserted years after the original film's production. Director Jess Franco is said to have largely disowned that version. Seems he wanted his women-in-prison flick to remain a respectable one.

Impressions:

Icky. This movie had an air of ickiness all over it. That's not to say that in an icky, exploitative way, it wasn't well made, because it kinda' was, if you can ignore the fact that nearly every interior seems to have been lit with one solitary light. But even with all the nice, scenic Brazilian exteriors and the Spanish and Italian architecture it features, the movie still mainly consisted of scenes of blurry lesbian encounters, rape, catfights, face smacking, hair-pulling, camera zooming, catfights, blurry what-nots and rape. There wasn't a whole lot more to this one. In an attempt to make the dialog as irritating as possible, the screenwriter saw fit to have all the characters repeat the same lines over and over:

"On the other side of the island, there's a fishing village... with boats!"

"She has committed repeated insolence!"

"Zis eez a place of punishment for crimes against zee laws of society!"

Oh, and one more thing - the actress who played the bull-dyke warden was also the voice of the possessed Regan MacNeil in The Exorcist.

'Beverly Hills Brats'

"You'll shoot your eye out, you'll shoot your eye out!!"

That was the line that kept running through my head as I watched this week's Random Movie, Beverly Hills Brats. Is it because it stars Peter Billingsley, a.k.a. "Ralphie" from The Christmas Story, you ask(Billingsley is in full-on Ralphie mode, I should add - glasses and all)? Maybe. I mean, it's not as though that line was ever uttered by Martin Sheen, and he was in Beverly Hills Brats, too. He played Montgomery "Scooter" Miller's father. Paulie (Burt Young, also in Beverly Hills Brats) from the Rocky series never used that line, did he? I dunno. He might have. I only saw part of Rocky V. Ahh, perhaps it was Ramon Sheen, the oft-forgotten older brother of Charlie Sheen and son of Martin Sheen who played Scooter's brother, Sterling. Nah. Probably not.


Beverly Hills Brats (1989)
Dir: Jim Sotos
Screenplay: Terry Moore, Jerry Rivers and Linda Silverthorn
Exec Prod: Sir Rupert A. L. Perrin, MD












Ramon Sheen (a.k.a Ramón Estevez)

Summary:

Lot's of "why the hells" in this one. First, why the hell do we put the 80's on such a lofty pedestal? After watching this movie, an unbiased, yet playfully pugnacious space alien you might have living with your family at home would demand to know what all the fuss is about? Clothes? Ugly. Hair? Ugly. Cars? Ugly. Okay, some of the cars were awesome (I saw my old Honda Prelude in there!). And the computers were awesome, too - if you were a rich little brat from Beverly Hills, apparently. Scooter, our "star," has everyhing; a high-tech bedroom with computers that do his homework at the punch of a single key; daily hundred-dollar bills for lunch money; leather Gucci ballcaps and Vision Street Wear T-shirts. Everything, that is, but the love and attention of his family. Time to fake being kidnapped to get the folks at home to notice him! It's fool-proof!

Impressions:

I have to admit, when my super secret randomization process turned up this title, I was concerned. But all that worry seemed to melt away like butter on top of a bowling ball in the microwave after seeing the star-studded, well, star-kissed cast credits in the beginning of this film. I mean, it has Martin Sheen! And an awesome cameo by none other than Whoopi Goldberg, herself. And in 1989, that was HUGE. I mean, I don't understand what Martin Sheen was doing in this cheesy 80's comedy, but screw it. He was there. So was Burt Young as the hapless down-on-his-luck race track gambler turned house burglar, Clive, who gets detected by Scooter's home security system he has in his bedroom (where else?). Scooter then offers Clive the chance to kidnap him and keep the ransom money his dad, a filthy rich plastic surgeon who draws pictures of boobs at the dinner table instead of talking to his family, would surely pay. Dad also often visits patients at home to "adjust their breasts" because "breasts constantly need to be watched." That's okay, because mom cheats, too. But I guess that's the charm of this picture, if you could call it charm. It held nothing back in terms of cheese and one-liners. And that's what 80's movies were all about, right?

Check out the trailers here and here.

'Heroes Shed No Tears'

This experiment has already manifested its potential quality. I understand that for every great movie I get, there will be approximately 100 crappy movies, but today must've been an exception. For today I saw John Woo's Heroes Shed No Tears.












Heroes Shed No Tears (1986)
Writer/Director: John Woo

Summary:

This is a tale of conviction, family honor, courage, loyalty and explosive fireballs of death. In Ying Xiong Wei Lei or Heroes Shed No Tears, we follow the story of Chan Chung (Eddy Ko), a Chinese ex-mercenary hired by the Thai government to kidnap a drug tycoon, a stubborn fellow called Samton, from the deadly region of southeast Asia known as "Golden Triangle." To succeed in this quest, he must also protect his family (all of whom die, except for his son), dodge millions of bullets and fireballs (he gets both shot and burned), rescue a French reporter, his wife and his chauffeur (again, all of whom die) and recruit the help of Louis, an old American war buddy with a wide selection of live-in prostitutes (you guessed it, they all die). Actually, pretty much everyone this guy knows dies, thus teaching a valuable lesson: if you ever encounter Chan Chung in the middle of a kidnapping plot, assassination mission, or even at Lens Crafters, get at least one hundred miles away as quickly as possible because, chances are, you'll die. He even sat back and watched the evil Vietnamese forces light a circle of gasoline on fire around his son. Luckily, the resilient little kid began digging in the dirt with his bare hands a buried himself to escape the flames. And it worked! Of course it's impossible, but it's more than his father was apparently willing to try.

Impressions:

The first thing you'll notice about this movie, or at least the poor 1992 video transfer I watched, are the hilariously bad subtitles.

"Golden Triangle lies in the delta area amidst Burma, Cambodia and Thailand where produces 75% of world's drug. February this year the Thai government determining to destroy it and it's tycoon Sampton sent out a recruited troop which was made up of several Chineses..."

One scene even has his American pal, Louis, shouting (in English) "You Motherfucker!!" while the subtitles read "You son of a bitch!"

Actually, their English is way better than my Cantonese, or what ever the hell language this movie was translated from, so I can't really complain about that. As a whole this was actually a pretty enjoyable film. John Woo's tendency towards blood, guts and bullets is fully exhibited, here. Woo has even said this was his first "real film." According to IMDb, this movie was shelved after completion and never saw actual release until the success of Woo's following feature, A Better Tomorrow. It certainly sets the tone for his later movies such as Hard-Boiled, Hard Target and The Killer. Pretty much everything he made before he "went Hollywood" with Broken Arrow, Face/Off and Mission Impossible II.

But redemption can still be had - I'm still waiting for John Woo's He-Man and Metroid.

Welcome

This might be fun, it might be a miserable, horrible idea and it might be both, but what if on an occasional basis (perhaps weekly, perhaps bi weekly/semi-monthly) someone were to walk in to a video store, go to the catalog, open up to a random page, blindly point to a title, write the number down and hand it to the clerk, watch the video and review the movie/document their experience? The only rules are no peeking and no second picks. Viewer be warned, though; they carry 'adult themed' titles. Also, children's titles.